Planning a Trip to Pattaya

I notice this morning that somebody has hung a sign on my door during the night which reads "Please no molest". Always nice to know the management has my best interests at heart... I'm already quite at home in this hotel. To get to reception from the street, you have to walk along a private driveway which makes me feel like royalty. After experiencing the dilapidated condition of the streets beyond the hotel, it's like stepping into another world: the trees play lift music at you from hidden speakers, and at any moment you expect a little man to appear from nowhere shouting "Da Plane, Boss, Da Plane..." and for Ricardo Montalban to emerge from the trees to fulfil your every dream. But I digress. I'm staying on the 5th floor. On the 4th floor, rather puzzlingly, is the lobby, and then on the lower levels we have the two Olympic swimming pools, fitness centre, two private beaches, Shopping Mall, five restaurants, Thai Massage Suite with ten private rooms, Conference facilities, Ballrooms, Banqueting Hall, two full size indoor squash courts, three tennis courts, and a partridge in a pear tree. I awoke this morning to the sight of the sun rising over the sea outside my balcony, and wondered briefly where Thailand had been all my life. After a while, I dragged myself out of bed and headed once more for the beach road, where I ended up at 10.00 this morning sitting in a shop with the quaint and not altogether authentic local name of Mister Donut. Cup of coffee and box of Donuts packed away, I felt like I could finally face the day - So I headed over to the travel shop to book a day trip tomorrow to the beautiful nearby island of Koh Samet, which my trusty guidebook of Thailand promises me will be a trip I will not forget. I've also extended my stay here until I leave for Phuket in five days time, courtesy of American Express, so I can kick back and relax for a while without having to worry about returning to dreary Bangkok on Saturday! A typical day here in Pattaya goes something like this: "Oh what a pleasant day, think I'll go for a stroll... My, it's a bit hot out here, probably should've worn a hat... Where did that mirage come from?... My legs appear to have stopped functioning... Please call me an ambulance for these third degree burns!"
Around mid-day, the sun decides that it's about time it made an appearance, and it suddenly goes from being hot but tolerable in the morning to being like Death Valley on a bad day. Still, nobody tells muggins here this, do they?
So, like mad dogs and Englishmen, I went out to find somewhere to get my first roll of film developed and to buy some more for Koh Samet. I should have suspected what was coming from the fact that even the dogs were laying in the street, tongues hanging out, lapping hopefully at puddles and barking "Kill me now" as I passed. I'm not going out in the mid-day sun again without a ten gallon tank of water strapped to my back, I can tell you - And I have the third degree burns to prove it. Much to my surprise, the shop said that my film would be back in two hours. This impressed me - Back home, the current situation is that if you take a roll of APS film to be developed in a small local chemist, the shopkeeper looks at you as if you have just told him that you intend to make love to his daughter and does he know the fastest route to the local Ann Summers store, and then he has to consult with somebody else on the phone to decide how much to charge. Then he informs you that they don't know what APS is and that developing my film will involve sending the film to Thailand for processing where they can do it in two hours(1). So, what are my impressions of Thailand after the first week? Well, apart from Bangkok with its all-enveloping smell of Sulphur from the drains, I could spend a lot longer here. The only mild irritation is all the street vendors trying to sell me stuff I don't want wherever I go - And if one more beautiful nymph grabs me by the arm on the street and says "I come with you now - We go Focky-Focky", I think I shall scream. And there's something you don't hear me say every day. (1) Obviously, since writing this journal we've gone from APS to Digital photography so this situation has not only got better but the whole concept of taking film to a shop to develop is becoming pretty much obsolete. This also explains the lower quality of photographs on this trip than on my later travels, as all film taken here had to be developed and then scanned and converted to digital later.

How does the idea of riding a three man miniature submarine under the gulf of Thailand grab you? Yeah, me too. Now, I have to confess at this point that I've never posed any real threat to the British Olympic swimming team, neither am I likely to do so in the foreseeable future. Come to think of it, I could go the whole hog and admit that if you put me in a 100 meter swimming race against a large house brick I'd probably come in second. One of my most treasured memories, and I mean that most sarcastically, is being called to the front of assembly in front of some 500 primary school children in my final year to be congratulated on achieving my bronze swimming certificate - something which everybody else had managed to do several years before. However, having previously had the pleasure of SCUBA (1) diving the barrier reef the last time I was down under and BOB diving in the Canary Islands (2), I am certainly no stranger to the ocean, and imagined that a miniature submarine would be the perfect way to have a look around the perfect blue oceans of the Gulf of Thailand before moving on to Phuket. My breakfast was finished off in a state of some excitement. I had really high hopes for the day and wasn't going to let anything spoil it - I was only slightly fazed, in fact, upon discovering that this morning's crispy bacon did, in fact, double as a projectile weapon upon contact with a fork and that I was able to single-handedly put several people in hospital without moving from my table. Koh Larn is a small island that can clearly be seen across the bay from the hotel. It is so small, in fact, that it's difficult to find it on any map and the mapping facility I'm using to track my journey refuses to believe it exists at all and insists that I point out where it is myself. Although only a few miles away, the quality of the sand is much cleaner than Pattaya and it has become a popular destination for day trippers and locals alike, who go back and forth at the not unreasonable rate of 20 Baht one way (I can't remember what the exchange rate was at the time, but this is something akin to taking a train from North London to South London for a couple of pennies). Of course, having booked a considerably more expensive excursion (IE: The tourist option), I was privileged to be driven to the beach at Jontien, a little south of Pattaya, and taken by speed boat out to the pontoon from which the submarine launches. The motor launch jumped and tossed about all the way: the sea was quite rough today, but even the threat of seeing my breakfast again wasn't going to put me off what I was about to do. At the Pontoon, the submarine was being prepared - so the speedboat continued on to one of Koh Larn's beautiful white sandy beaches where I was able to spend an hour or so relaxing in the sun. The beach here was a totally different experience from Koh Samet the other day - There was the same long sandy beach, but this time no sign of restaurants or any other tourist activity other than a couple of Jet skis out in the bay. Instead, there was a native hut, with a campfire and hoards of locals scurrying about, and a row of deckchairs. My guide was a local guy, although he had a very strong American accent and explained that this was because of the many years he had spent there before waking up one morning wondering why he had left in the first place and coming straight back to set up the submarine business. He told me that the locals would happily look after me while I waited for the launch, so I sat on the beach under the shade of a palm tree being terribly British and drinking tea! Nobody looked as though they had left the island in years - and it was refreshing to have a guide who spoke perfect English - despite the amount of western visitors, most people here really have a hard time understanding my accent! When the sub was ready, and the local women had given up asking me about my life back in England and trying to fix me up with their daughters (who, for the record, were something more than stunning), I hopped back into the speed boat and raced out to the Pontoon - The guide took my camera and said that he would take a couple of pictures for me, although when I got it back later he had taken 15 and one of the female tourists with us had borrowed it to take a close up photo of her breasts, which came as something of a surprise when I got the film developed later, I can tell you. There were two other guys waiting on the Pontoon, stereotypically gay to the point that they could almost have been winding us up. They seemed to be under the impression that the top was going to come off the submarine so that they could climb in from above. When they saw that they actually had to get in the water and duck down underneath to get in they suddenly had a remarkable change of heart. The rest of us stood there, genuinely bemused by the conversation:
"Oh, But Davey - You know I don't like the water"
"I thought you'd be like this. You're always like this when it's something fun…"
"You go. I'll stay here and watch you"
"No, If you're not going then I'm not going…"
I had to cringe, thinking about the trouble these guys would've been in if the pontoon had been filled with unsympathetic British lager louts. As it was, the small group of us tried to do anything we could to persuade these two really nice guys to have a go, but they really weren't having it and ended up leaving on the next launch... There was a great long list of questions and disclaimers to be filled in before I could get in the sub, mainly saying that if I was to have an argument with a great white shark while I was down there then it wasn't anybodies fault but the shark - that sort of thing.
On my trip, the pilot turned out to be a "Driver under instruction". My English speaking guide sat there the whole time telling him which buttons to press and saying useful things like "Watch out for that rock" and "Remember that things look closer than they are through this glass". All the same, we developed the disturbing habit of sinking to the bottom and hitting the rocks just a little bit too much for my liking. Mind you, it was a superb experience and I would do it again in an instant: The coral and the little coloured fish are just something else to watch swimming around in their world down there, but on reflection it's probably just as well that we didn't have two neurotic guys having a panic attack along with us as well... It was a great experience in the sub, although nothing to equal SCUBA diving the Barrier Reef in Cairns. In fact, the brochure for the submarine trip even goes so far as to point out that you shouldn't expect it to live up to the Barrier Reef - so they must have quite a few visitors from that part of the world. On the way back to the mainland, I saw my first sign of rain on the trip so far - And boy, did it rain! I mean, never again will I step out of my house at home in England and say "I can't go out today, It's raining". Until you have experienced a tropical rainstorm like the one here this afternoon, you simply cannot imagine what it is like. There were trees opposite the hotel, but I couldn't see them from the lobby as there was basically a sheet of water in the way.
Nevertheless, I had to find an ATM that would accept my card so that I could take out some money for the next few days. Struggling against the wind and the rain, I got down to the beach road before one of Thailand's ever present Tuk-Tuk's (a sort of electric rickshaw with the bicycle replaced by a driver hunched over in an open cab while you sit on a narrow seat behind) pulled over to the side of the road, honking furiously for my attention.
Unfortunately, it was the one time that I really could have used a ride, but I didn't know where the ATM was and so wouldn't have been able to direct the driver. It's hard enough to get a Taxi driver to go where you want at the best of times, especially when they don't speak the language and just want to take you to a Go-Go bar where they are on commission! Yeah, I toyed with the idea of trying to explain that I wanted to go to the nearest ATM cash point that would accept my CIRRUS card, but I think his head probably would've exploded. He leaned out of the Tuk-Tuk, showed me a not very subtle photo of a beautiful girl inserting a banana into an orifice not originally designed for that purpose, and offered to take me for a massage. But since the beautiful lady in question was obviously Cindy Crawford courtesy of Photoshop, I had reason to doubt the authenticity of the photo - so I politely declined, and hurried on into the rain! I did eventually find an ATM machine, and took out some cash for the days to come. To be honest, with the weather turning the way it has today, I think it's about the perfect time to be moving on to Phuket... (1)SCUBA stands for Self Contained, Underwater Breathing Apparatus for any you who have been dying to know for years! (2)A BOB is a sort of underwater jet-pack which you guide about while safely concealed inside a plastic bubble - you may have seen them in underwater movies such as The Deep and Titanic You can read my complete travel journals at www.offexploring.com/globalwanderer

While in Pattaya, you must attend the Alcazar Cabaret Show. It's performed by lady-boys. No way to guess that those gorgeous, talented people are men unless somebdy tells you. The show is brethtaking and extremely rich; the songs, the light, the decoration, the clothes are bewildering. The show is divided into several parts that take place in different countries. When you go out you can take photos with the lady-boys.

I notice this morning that somebody has hung a sign on my door during the night which reads "Please no molest". Always nice to know the management has my best interests at heart... I'm already quite at home in this hotel. To get to reception from the street, you have to walk along a private driveway which makes me feel like royalty. After experiencing the dilapidated condition of the streets beyond the hotel, it's like stepping into another world: the trees play lift music at you from hidden speakers, and at any moment you expect a little man to appear from nowhere shouting "Da Plane, Boss, Da Plane..." and for Ricardo Montalban to emerge from the trees to fulfil your every dream. But I digress. I'm staying on the 5th floor. On the 4th floor, rather puzzlingly, is the lobby, and then on the lower levels we have the two Olympic swimming pools, fitness centre, two private beaches, Shopping Mall, five restaurants, Thai Massage Suite with ten private rooms, Conference facilities, Ballrooms, Banqueting Hall, two full size indoor squash courts, three tennis courts, and a partridge in a pear tree. I awoke this morning to the sight of the sun rising over the sea outside my balcony, and wondered briefly where Thailand had been all my life. After a while, I dragged myself out of bed and headed once more for the beach road, where I ended up at 10.00 this morning sitting in a shop with the quaint and not altogether authentic local name of Mister Donut. Cup of coffee and box of Donuts packed away, I felt like I could finally face the day - So I headed over to the travel shop to book a day trip tomorrow to the beautiful nearby island of Koh Samet, which my trusty guidebook of Thailand promises me will be a trip I will not forget. I've also extended my stay here until I leave for Phuket in five days time, courtesy of American Express, so I can kick back and relax for a while without having to worry about returning to dreary Bangkok on Saturday! A typical day here in Pattaya goes something like this: "Oh what a pleasant day, think I'll go for a stroll... My, it's a bit hot out here, probably should've worn a hat... Where did that mirage come from?... My legs appear to have stopped functioning... Please call me an ambulance for these third degree burns!"
Around mid-day, the sun decides that it's about time it made an appearance, and it suddenly goes from being hot but tolerable in the morning to being like Death Valley on a bad day. Still, nobody tells muggins here this, do they?
So, like mad dogs and Englishmen, I went out to find somewhere to get my first roll of film developed and to buy some more for Koh Samet. I should have suspected what was coming from the fact that even the dogs were laying in the street, tongues hanging out, lapping hopefully at puddles and barking "Kill me now" as I passed. I'm not going out in the mid-day sun again without a ten gallon tank of water strapped to my back, I can tell you - And I have the third degree burns to prove it. Much to my surprise, the shop said that my film would be back in two hours. This impressed me - Back home, the current situation is that if you take a roll of APS film to be developed in a small local chemist, the shopkeeper looks at you as if you have just told him that you intend to make love to his daughter and does he know the fastest route to the local Ann Summers store, and then he has to consult with somebody else on the phone to decide how much to charge. Then he informs you that they don't know what APS is and that developing my film will involve sending the film to Thailand for processing where they can do it in two hours(1). So, what are my impressions of Thailand after the first week? Well, apart from Bangkok with its all-enveloping smell of Sulphur from the drains, I could spend a lot longer here. The only mild irritation is all the street vendors trying to sell me stuff I don't want wherever I go - And if one more beautiful nymph grabs me by the arm on the street and says "I come with you now - We go Focky-Focky", I think I shall scream. And there's something you don't hear me say every day. (1) Obviously, since writing this journal we've gone from APS to Digital photography so this situation has not only got better but the whole concept of taking film to a shop to develop is becoming pretty much obsolete. This also explains the lower quality of photographs on this trip than on my later travels, as all film taken here had to be developed and then scanned and converted to digital later.

How does the idea of riding a three man miniature submarine under the gulf of Thailand grab you? Yeah, me too. Now, I have to confess at this point that I've never posed any real threat to the British Olympic swimming team, neither am I likely to do so in the foreseeable future. Come to think of it, I could go the whole hog and admit that if you put me in a 100 meter swimming race against a large house brick I'd probably come in second. One of my most treasured memories, and I mean that most sarcastically, is being called to the front of assembly in front of some 500 primary school children in my final year to be congratulated on achieving my bronze swimming certificate - something which everybody else had managed to do several years before. However, having previously had the pleasure of SCUBA (1) diving the barrier reef the last time I was down under and BOB diving in the Canary Islands (2), I am certainly no stranger to the ocean, and imagined that a miniature submarine would be the perfect way to have a look around the perfect blue oceans of the Gulf of Thailand before moving on to Phuket. My breakfast was finished off in a state of some excitement. I had really high hopes for the day and wasn't going to let anything spoil it - I was only slightly fazed, in fact, upon discovering that this morning's crispy bacon did, in fact, double as a projectile weapon upon contact with a fork and that I was able to single-handedly put several people in hospital without moving from my table. Koh Larn is a small island that can clearly be seen across the bay from the hotel. It is so small, in fact, that it's difficult to find it on any map and the mapping facility I'm using to track my journey refuses to believe it exists at all and insists that I point out where it is myself. Although only a few miles away, the quality of the sand is much cleaner than Pattaya and it has become a popular destination for day trippers and locals alike, who go back and forth at the not unreasonable rate of 20 Baht one way (I can't remember what the exchange rate was at the time, but this is something akin to taking a train from North London to South London for a couple of pennies). Of course, having booked a considerably more expensive excursion (IE: The tourist option), I was privileged to be driven to the beach at Jontien, a little south of Pattaya, and taken by speed boat out to the pontoon from which the submarine launches. The motor launch jumped and tossed about all the way: the sea was quite rough today, but even the threat of seeing my breakfast again wasn't going to put me off what I was about to do. At the Pontoon, the submarine was being prepared - so the speedboat continued on to one of Koh Larn's beautiful white sandy beaches where I was able to spend an hour or so relaxing in the sun. The beach here was a totally different experience from Koh Samet the other day - There was the same long sandy beach, but this time no sign of restaurants or any other tourist activity other than a couple of Jet skis out in the bay. Instead, there was a native hut, with a campfire and hoards of locals scurrying about, and a row of deckchairs. My guide was a local guy, although he had a very strong American accent and explained that this was because of the many years he had spent there before waking up one morning wondering why he had left in the first place and coming straight back to set up the submarine business. He told me that the locals would happily look after me while I waited for the launch, so I sat on the beach under the shade of a palm tree being terribly British and drinking tea! Nobody looked as though they had left the island in years - and it was refreshing to have a guide who spoke perfect English - despite the amount of western visitors, most people here really have a hard time understanding my accent! When the sub was ready, and the local women had given up asking me about my life back in England and trying to fix me up with their daughters (who, for the record, were something more than stunning), I hopped back into the speed boat and raced out to the Pontoon - The guide took my camera and said that he would take a couple of pictures for me, although when I got it back later he had taken 15 and one of the female tourists with us had borrowed it to take a close up photo of her breasts, which came as something of a surprise when I got the film developed later, I can tell you. There were two other guys waiting on the Pontoon, stereotypically gay to the point that they could almost have been winding us up. They seemed to be under the impression that the top was going to come off the submarine so that they could climb in from above. When they saw that they actually had to get in the water and duck down underneath to get in they suddenly had a remarkable change of heart. The rest of us stood there, genuinely bemused by the conversation:
"Oh, But Davey - You know I don't like the water"
"I thought you'd be like this. You're always like this when it's something fun…"
"You go. I'll stay here and watch you"
"No, If you're not going then I'm not going…"
I had to cringe, thinking about the trouble these guys would've been in if the pontoon had been filled with unsympathetic British lager louts. As it was, the small group of us tried to do anything we could to persuade these two really nice guys to have a go, but they really weren't having it and ended up leaving on the next launch... There was a great long list of questions and disclaimers to be filled in before I could get in the sub, mainly saying that if I was to have an argument with a great white shark while I was down there then it wasn't anybodies fault but the shark - that sort of thing.
On my trip, the pilot turned out to be a "Driver under instruction". My English speaking guide sat there the whole time telling him which buttons to press and saying useful things like "Watch out for that rock" and "Remember that things look closer than they are through this glass". All the same, we developed the disturbing habit of sinking to the bottom and hitting the rocks just a little bit too much for my liking. Mind you, it was a superb experience and I would do it again in an instant: The coral and the little coloured fish are just something else to watch swimming around in their world down there, but on reflection it's probably just as well that we didn't have two neurotic guys having a panic attack along with us as well... It was a great experience in the sub, although nothing to equal SCUBA diving the Barrier Reef in Cairns. In fact, the brochure for the submarine trip even goes so far as to point out that you shouldn't expect it to live up to the Barrier Reef - so they must have quite a few visitors from that part of the world. On the way back to the mainland, I saw my first sign of rain on the trip so far - And boy, did it rain! I mean, never again will I step out of my house at home in England and say "I can't go out today, It's raining". Until you have experienced a tropical rainstorm like the one here this afternoon, you simply cannot imagine what it is like. There were trees opposite the hotel, but I couldn't see them from the lobby as there was basically a sheet of water in the way.
Nevertheless, I had to find an ATM that would accept my card so that I could take out some money for the next few days. Struggling against the wind and the rain, I got down to the beach road before one of Thailand's ever present Tuk-Tuk's (a sort of electric rickshaw with the bicycle replaced by a driver hunched over in an open cab while you sit on a narrow seat behind) pulled over to the side of the road, honking furiously for my attention.
Unfortunately, it was the one time that I really could have used a ride, but I didn't know where the ATM was and so wouldn't have been able to direct the driver. It's hard enough to get a Taxi driver to go where you want at the best of times, especially when they don't speak the language and just want to take you to a Go-Go bar where they are on commission! Yeah, I toyed with the idea of trying to explain that I wanted to go to the nearest ATM cash point that would accept my CIRRUS card, but I think his head probably would've exploded. He leaned out of the Tuk-Tuk, showed me a not very subtle photo of a beautiful girl inserting a banana into an orifice not originally designed for that purpose, and offered to take me for a massage. But since the beautiful lady in question was obviously Cindy Crawford courtesy of Photoshop, I had reason to doubt the authenticity of the photo - so I politely declined, and hurried on into the rain! I did eventually find an ATM machine, and took out some cash for the days to come. To be honest, with the weather turning the way it has today, I think it's about the perfect time to be moving on to Phuket... (1)SCUBA stands for Self Contained, Underwater Breathing Apparatus for any you who have been dying to know for years! (2)A BOB is a sort of underwater jet-pack which you guide about while safely concealed inside a plastic bubble - you may have seen them in underwater movies such as The Deep and Titanic You can read my complete travel journals at www.offexploring.com/globalwanderer

Pattaya Crocodile Farm.. This place is really the one which you need to see while being in Pattaya. t's located aboit20km from pattaya center. You can take a TukTuk or follow the signs ang go by car or scooter. You can see and touch there bear, tiger, elephant or make a photo next to this animals...The biggest attraction in this place is a crocodile show whih is something i never seen before....if you'll be in pattaya you must go here!!!

Pattaya was a disappointment for me. I'm an asian girl and i was traveling alone in Pattaya. Does this alone necessarily mean i'm looking for someone??? Pattaya's swarmed with dodgy old blokes and putas. I really disliked the atmosphere there and ended up staying in the hotel's swimming pool for 4 days! Pattaya is an oversized red light district. Unless your interest is in prostitution, go somewhere else!

While in Pattaya, you must attend the Alcazar Cabaret Show. It's performed by lady-boys. No way to guess that those gorgeous, talented people are men unless somebdy tells you. The show is brethtaking and extremely rich; the songs, the light, the decoration, the clothes are bewildering. The show is divided into several parts that take place in different countries. When you go out you can take photos with the lady-boys.

Whenever possible in pubs or bars, order your drink in uncorked bottle and never take your eyes off of it. Even after just one beer you may end up waking next morning with no money and no recollection of last night. I learned this lesson in hard way.

I thought Pattaya was lots of fun. It gets a wrap of being a sex tourism town but there is a lot of fun to be had that does not involve prostitution.

Simply don´t go to Pattaya! It´s horrible and backpackers have nothing lost there... Go to Ko Samet!!! My favorite island!